I dont Know What I Feel

it likes to be dying ...
it like to be more more hurted ...

gue ngga ngerti apa yang ada dipikiran gue sekarang.
yang pasti ini sakit banget.
gue ngga tau kenapa gue ngerasain hal tolol ini lagi.
gue bener-bener ga tau kenapa.

its to be really dizzy things ...
it like all of mine flying wherever it can exploded ...
I love you, and i never know why i feel it.

if this is mistake.
blame it to me.
yes it s totally my mistakes ...

erase his shadow ...
it should happen about last last time ...
but i didn't it ...
i haven't any reasons ...

and now ...
i dont know where i must drove my heart ,
far away love ...
give him to me ...
near to me ...


I love him more than anything in this world.
I never want to have it, yes I know
but it seems all of this ...

I do not know if and who should be blamed or justified

UNTITTLED POEM

breezeheaven.com

sky fallin' down banget ya malam ini ...

kenapa juga engga ujan ...

ahh ...

lost control banget,

lama juga ngga jadi puitis ...

pengen nulis ...

sedikit, semoga berarti.

(...)

malam ini tak satupun kutemui bintang di langit.

galap tak berarah.

malam ini mungkin tak akan seperti malam kemarin, atupun malam yang akan datang.

sebesar apapun usaha memutar waktu, itu adalah hal yang tolol ...

ku tembus jelaga yang membara dalam kening syahdu ...

aku dulu bersedia mengulur benah semua yang tercecer menjadi sesuatu yang berarti ...

tetapi semua ini seperti gulungan ombak yang tak pernah berhenti.

aku berjalan di setapak jalan ...

di tengah ilalang yang runtuh, dengan sepenggal nafas yang tersisa ...

persimpangan jalan ini bukanlah akhir.

kehidupan ini hanyalah etalase kecil yang menyilaukan.

kemana semua berpaling menjauh ?

ketika aku merasa reruntuhan debu itu mulai terkumpul.

dan tersiram air ..

seonggok daun yang berterbangan ...

entah kemana ...

atau sebuah kapal yang terapung di lautan lepas ...

mercusuar ...

bersinarlah ...

semua ingin memilikimu ...

tapi mercusuar bukan untuk dimiliki ...

ia menerangi ...

dan membawa ke dermaga.

seperti cinta.

Tuhan, berikanlah aku sebentuk hati untuk mencintai ...

hatiku pupus entah kemana ...

malam ini aku melingkar memeluk diriku sendiri ,,,

aku merasa tubuhku remuk dan patah satu per satu ...

aku merasa di dadaku ada lubang yang sangat besar dan basah ...

luka apa itu. aku tak tahu.

hanya setetes nila dalam lautan darah ...

kekecewaan yang mengungkung jiwaku yang randuh ...

redup terasa ...

seperti dikuliti malam ...

malam yang sunyi, penuh dengan tikaman.

binar pengah itu menelisip dalam air muka rindu ...

rindu yang terpatri, dan tak akan pernah terucap dan terbongkar oleh waktu ...

bongkahan penyesalan yang kini hanya menjadi es yang akan meleleh ...

aku terus berjalan ...

meski ini seperti jarum yang merejamku ...

aku disini.

aku berdiri.

menyaksikan siluetmu hilang ditelan keterbatasan penglihatanku.

tak ada yang mampu ku lakukan.

jangankan menarikmu kembali.

mengucapkan namamu pun aku tak mampu.

getir memang,

tapi ini hidup.

aku hanya terpaku mimpi.

dengan lelehan tangis membasahi pipi.

hanya berusaha menguatkan diri

badai pasti berlalu.

esok akan datang menjelang ,,,

serpih mentari akan membawa kebahagiaan ...

meski saat ini gelap sayang ...

toh aku memang hanya satu dari sekian yang berserakan ...

Papa, Is it my guilty ?

I don't know ...

I must begin it from ...

let me show something ...

about my dad,

probably my daddy is not as good as your daddy.

probably also not for long accompany me like your daddy.

maybe my daddy is the one who never let me down.

but ...

This is reality. the bitterest. the sweetest.

10 years passed, since sense of disappointment that exploded inside me.

spreading hatred that grows wild without direction ...

disappointment that demands justice which I think is missing ...

lost its way ...

but when I saw the photo ...

pulse feels weak and my heart would stop.

as if there is a gaping wound in my chest width.

bright eyes that had now turned into a sad old eyes ...

cheek skin is toned down now ...

reddish white skin has become dull and dry ...

reddish hair is now white-haired ...

rows of neat white teeth are now gone ...

who live now only stroke his hard work ...

Tering under the shackle ...

under the burden that had accumulated on his shoulders ...

I could only cry to see it, I'm helpless ...

speechless ...

Lord, forgive my daddy ...

he is the best papa for me God ...

he is the person who accompanied me to eat on midnight.

he helped me do my schoolwork.

he help me wears my shoes every morning ...

he always angry when i don't sleep well ...

he is my future when eve ...

he bought me a toy when I was sulking ...

only my papa ...

only my papa who give me "cuted Herly".

not the other ...

I wanted to do something, just for my daddy dearest ...

that made me cry tonight ... his situation and condition.

I want you to give happiness in her old age, O God ...

give him the long aged ...

so I got him happy.

amin.

for all of you, my friends.

keep your papa ...

Live the him, proud of him.

do not be angry when he was very hard set your life.

truly, that's just for your kindness ...

because when they are no longer on your side.

it feels very sore.

miss, but could not.

I apologize ...

This may be the name traumatic.

Papa, I love you.

Papa, I love you all my heart that I could

though only a shadow of the past that I was able to maintain ...

Papa, you're scaring me to undergo a relationship ...

Papa, you made me not believe in them ...

so I do not want to be owned by someone ...

might not be ready ...

tonight I miss you so ....

maybe when you're here, you will comfort me ...

but it was all a dream burning in the sidelines of destiny

it is not possible ...

although you're still in this world, but it's like there is an iron wall between us.

Papa, I miss you ...

and only one man who most HURT my heart and I LOVE the most.

he is you. MY PAPA.

Rose here ...

11-11-2011 : --------------------

11-11-2011

sebenernya gue uda males-semales-malesnya ya mau nulis. cape banget ...

pengen nangis banget ngurusin 2 acara kampus. tapi lo semua tau kan ?

itu tanggung jawab ..

to be great women needs difficult matters ...

hari ini gue random banget.

banyak banget masalah hari ini.

Maybe its step to be maturity,

Just wipe my tears ...

Maybe all of this my fault ...

I was a little different than the others ...

Yes, a matter of principle.

Sometimes indeed we have a difference because God created us different from each other's ...

But what about when the difference was not able to complement each other ...

I've tried ...

But it turns out ...

I'm guilty ...

You say that I approached you and screw

As if love and attention that I give for this is just crap ...

And you know how it feels?

Very sick.

Like a sharp knife to peel your weak body.

Perhaps it is, is not this love that I'm looking for ...

And it was not me you're looking for ...

I love you ...

But that does not mean ...

The word that would not undermine the trellis fate was different.

Yes ... I lost myself, and I will caught myself back ...

All of that is lost in the breath of mine own ...

In the third breath, I tried to stand up again ...

Amen.

Oke, ada beberapa hal yang mungkin ngebuat gue ngerasa random hari ini. Pertama ada seseorang yah ... temen baik gue yang sekarang lagi menuai acara sakral ... selamat yah walo gue ngga diundang. Fuih... pepatah klasik kalo cinta emang ngga harus memiliki itu berasa banget ya di idup gue. Galau berkali-kali ... oke gue emang salah ... tapi plis kenapa sekarang ? Ya Tuhan gue ngga nyangka banget ternyata kenyataannya begini ...

Gue labil.

Itu satu kenyataan yang ngga gue pungkiri.

Tapi ini prinsip gue ...

Gue sayang sama lo. Dan ini sama sekali udah ngga ada embel-embelnya sama temen sekelas gue. Tapi gue kecewa banget ... yaiyalah siapa yang ngga kecewa ... ternyata ini semua cuman gue aja yang ngerasa ...

Bodoh ...

Gue ngga bisa nulis apa-apa lagi disini selain gue kecewa.

Lemes.

Its not easy step to forget all ....

But, i m leaving for.

Miska ended ...

Miska dead ...

Gue inget sesuatu ... dan kapan-kapan gue bakal nulis itu. Kalo mood gue uda balik.

See ya